i was sitting next to him when he asked me if i'd be sad if he ever had to leave. it hit me so hard and i just looked at him. i didn't ask if he was stupid. i took it seriously and he understood why. he understands why i need him. i've waited for five years and it scares the hell out of me that the break will be as far as it goes.
Before she started meeting all the wrong people, pictures spoke for her. Kodak moments of everything she wanted to see splashed with colours, smiles, and memories. These days, all that speaks for her are swollen eyes and a band of scars around her wrist. She hides behind a weak smile, feeling small and lost she roams around stranger’s land, until she meets him. They learn, they trust, they love. As she slowly forgets the feeling of hurt, her past fades away, as do her scars. There is no falling, no sense of failure. They are not strangers, she is found. The only words she knows; trust, love, eternity. The only words she feels. The only words she wants to feel. Reality is her reminder that nothing is forever. As he leaves the house, she embraces him tightly. Her arms lengthen from her sleeves as faint, black lines peek out at her. He pulls away and shuts the door. She frightens herself, not certain to believe whether or not he will return. She studies the door. It is, for the next few seconds, the only thing standing between the two of them. Soon there will be a driveway, then roads, then another lover. Her head is flooded as she remembers. She inches backwards, eyes burning, confused as to why she is here. Has he locked her in? Is there someone else with her? She catches her reflection in the bronze-framed mirror hanging in the almost-all-white marble hallway. The face is familiar to her. Eyes red, cheeks wet, face unattractive. She reaches out, hoping for an illusion. There is no use, but she still tries to blink back tears. He comes home and follows the trail of blood to the washroom. Hair torn out, white nightgown stained with red down the sides where it touches her bloody hands. Shoulders burned with bloody handprints where she has held herself. She cries, but does not sob. She blinks, but does not see. He guides her into the open hallway and struggles to hear her whispers. A side of her he has never seen, he tells her everything will be alright. She falls to her knees and weeps, staining his shirt. She reveals the knife and slashes it clean on his throat. There is no sound but her quiet sobs as he collapses in front of her. She drops the knife and gently lays her head on his chest. His blood manoeuvres around her hand on the floor. With no sense of time, she lifts herself up. The knife calls to her. She clenches it and inches towards the mirror. Tears flow out naturally as she slowly points the knife to her chin. Trembling, she lets out a silent cry as she remembers dancing with him in the lounge as the afternoon sun poured through the dark curtains. There is no holding back, she sobs and ignores the stinging sensation of her tears seeping into her open wounds. She prepares and shuts her eyes, but is stopped. She opens her eyes to a reflection of herself with him, his hand on her clean shoulder. He is the only thing she remembers. Everything is perfect. She no longer knows life. She knows eternity.
[mood] blue
[music] brand new - the quiet things that no one ever knows
this is another time to wonder if it really is just me
another chance to think about where i went wrong
just like all the other times
it's gonna have to be next time
here i am
left to tell another story of a love that didn't make it
how can i believe there's someone for everyone
if you aren't meant for me
why me. why fucking me. i know i'm still young but why am i always falling for the wrong boys. i talked to his little brother who told me he wanted me to hook him up with some hot girls in school.
i'm fucking sick of this. i'm sick of the boys that fall for me and i'm sick of the boys i fall for.
fuck it. they're all the same. it'll never be different.
[mood] falling
[music] matchbook romance - the greatest fall of all time
he's perfect. how many entries must i go on writing this. it's quite clear that the way he talks to me is different than the way he talks to others. in a 'yeah, you're my little sister' way, or a 'yeah, this could really work' way, i don't know. he's starting to get physical. somewhat. nudging me every now and then. i never see him touch anyone.
we talked briefly. he told me something that he claimed he "hasn't told anyone else". i don't think he realized how much that meant to me. i fucking payed more attention to that statement than the actual "secret".
i've noticed something. with every other boy i've ever liked, i've always been the jealous type. whether we were together or not, i was always watching out for other girls. but not with him. how can i explain this in the most exact terms. it's almost as if i don't mind seeing him with other people, girls in particular, because i know he'll still be there for me. no matter how long we haven't seen each other, i can still talk to him as if we were never apart. i can't do that with anyone else. he makes it easy like that.
gawd, what is this? i can tell him almost anything i tell my best friends and i feel as if he's comfortable with me too. is he too comfortable? normally, i'd take action by now but i can't risk anything with him.
[mood] isolated
[music] finch - worms of the universe
i've recently been reminded about why i fell for him in the first place.
my first glance at him in nearly a year. my eyes thawed. have i ever truly looked at another boy until this? i need to stop looking into every last detail. feeding off every last word that makes me believe that someone so 'intricately mastered', if you will, could ever be interested in me.
he wanted to walk home with me today and i was just about ready to give up my basketball game. but of course, that also meant giving up the basketball team. gawd, how am i supposed to think. opening my locker and seeing his books inside made my heart jump hurdles. his books, dammit! people keep telling me we'd make a good couple. will you shut up and please tell him that?!
there are so many things that would honestly make me believe that he could return my feelings. however, there's still the whole 'lack of showing it' ordeal. dammit, i hear so much about how he's this big asshole but i haven't actually experienced it myself. i'm the only one of my friends he actually talks to and i, for one, think his personality is absolutely beautiful.
[mood] reminiscing
[music] yellowcard - one year, six months
answer using song titles
1. describe yourself: cute without the 'e' (cut from the team)
2. how do you feel about people: worms of the universe
3. how do you feel about yourself: perfection through silence
4. describe your boyfriend/girlfriend/interest: the greatest fall of all time
5. where woud you rather be: gainsville rock city
6. describe what you want to be: dreaming a reality
7. describe how you live: history of a boring town
8. describe how you love: demolition lovers
9. share a few words of wisdom: say it like you mean it
[mood] ascending
[music] my chemical romance - demolition lovers
but...i need you.
we drive tonight, and you are by my side. we're talking about our lives like we've known each other forever. and time flies by with the sound of your voice. it's close to paradise with the end surely near. and if i could only stop the car and hold on to you and never let go, i'll never let go. as we round the corner to your house you turned to me and said, "i'll be going through withdrawal of you for this one night we have spent." and i want to speak these words but i guess i'll just bite my tongue and accept "someday, somehow" as the words that we'll hang from. and i, i don't wanna speak these words. 'cause i, i don't wanna make things any worse. and i, i don't wanna speak these words, 'cause i, i don't wanna make things any worse. why does tonight have to end? why don't we hit restart and pause it at our favorite parts. we'll skip the goodbyes. if i had it my way, i'd turn the car around and run away. just you and i. and i, i don't wanna speak these words. 'cause i, i don't wanna make things any worse. and i, i don't wanna speak these words. 'cause i, i don't wanna make things, and i, i don't wanna make things any worse.
take my hand and tell me you're never really leaving me. that, when you walk away, it's never for someone else. then light up that cigarette before it gets too moist in your hand. your eyes look everywhere except into mine. i watch you watch the lighter and forget why my heart aches. just like you always forget that i don't smoke. pass it to me as i shake my head. the only thing i'd ever turn you down for. i hold up my hand to push yours away and convince myself that if you weren't holding that stick, you'd be holding my hand. that behind this cloud of smoke, you were prepared to give me the warmest kiss to thaw my lips. only until it fades away. send me off with the same smile you used to draw me in. the half-lit butt rolls off your fingertips as i see my heart hit the pavement. left for you to walk all over.
i see you everywhere and try to convince myself that you're the one looking out for me. still pictures. still life. still dreaming. the same. bad. dream.
broken this fragile thing now. and i can`t, i can`t pick up the pieces. and i`ve thrown my words all around. But i can`t, i can`t give you a reason. i feel so broken up . and i give up. i just want to tell you so you know. here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. you are my only one. i let go, there`s just no one that gets me like you do. you are my only,my only one. made my mistakes, let you down. and i can`t, i can`t hold on for too long. ran my whole life in the ground. and i can`t, i can`t get up when you`re gone. and something`s breaking up. i feel like giving up. i won`t walk out until you know. here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. you are my only one. i let go, there`s just no one who gets me like you do. you are my only my only one. here i go so. dishonestly. leave a note for you my only one. and i know you can see right through me. so let me go and you will find someone. here i go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you.you are my only one. i let go, there`s just no one, no one like you. you are my only, my only one.
[mood] weirded
[music] the pixies - where is my mind?
i actually made the basketball team. i'm kinda proud of myself even though my height probably got me in by default. we'll be playing at his school. somehow, i need to convince him to come watch.
yesterday was really odd. i saw him around about 9 times and i guess the group of them wanted to be immature and ask us for a lighter, even though there were seven of them. he probably told them i was his crazy neighbor who was in love with him.
leave it up to me and i'll take the time out of your day and spend them on myself
because i'll give up this day, any day, just to spend them on you
another hope-filled moment
takes you right away from me
wishful thoughts make you seem
closer than you'll ever be
don't walk away
i have so much to say
lines rehearsed inside my head
saved up for the next time we would meet
this is next time
leave it up to me and i'll take the time out of your day and spend them on myself
because i'll give up this day, any day, just to spend them on you
there you go
you keep on walking
here i am
and i'm still talking
there you go
you still keep walking
i hope you stop
before my heart does
a starry sky
an empty girl
is missing everything she thinks he can provide
a moonlit night
this broken boy
wants from her a love he thinks she'll never feel inside
a perfect story ends
with a perfect kiss
but hidden feelings
will never bring an end to this
share a thought
shed a tear
the things you stop yourself from saying
are everything i want to hear
she sits alone
to watch the stars
and waits for him to casually invite himself
he walks right by
no second look
just thinking that the seat is saved for someone else
a perfect story ends
with a perfect kiss
but hidden feelings
will never bring an end to this
share a thought
shed a tear
the things you stop yourself from saying
are everything i want to hear
i went to school for registration, the other day, and i was instantly reminded of how much i hate it there. seeing all those unpleasantly familiar faces. smelling the stale scent of old text books. my skin is bruised from pinch marks.
in a few days, i'll be seeing those faces and smelling that smell everyday. out of all things i have realized at this age, i wish it included how important school really is. then i'd probably have some motivation.
i've decided i need something to keep me busy. something to keep me entertained. i can't just wait on things or people anymore. i've decided i need a life.
...i'm resurrecting my tamagotchi.
finally, something that actually needs me in order to get through. it'll be like music to my ears. hearing its little cries for snacks and games. watching it grow up into such a strong virtual pet. god, i'm pathetic.
i've been deprived. deprived of all things emotionally stable, or physically good-looking. it sucks because i know that all i have to do is tell myself that i'm only mentally depriving myself of things i really don't need. like him. honestly. who says its impossible to get through life without that one guy you've never been so sure of. that one guy who makes you happier than you've ever been. no one ever told me that. point proven. i will get through this.
in the meantime, i'll buy some new lr44 batteries.
[mood] burnt out
[music] the juliana theory - if i told you this was killing me, would you stop?
and it ended in a bang.
the day started at about 5:30. we biked down to lakeshore and back again. on the way to the park we met up with some people in the parking lot. then we headed off on our own again; just in time to see him. he skated off as i tried to play it cool. a little while later, the action began.
feeling rowdy and vengeful, we had quite the plans for our old elementary school. we ripped it up a bit and right when i was about to take another hit my friend took off laughing. i tagged along with no choice, since she took the rod with her. a brisk jog turned into a sprint when we heard yelling behind us. anyway, long story short, some old guy was chasing us. my friend ducked behind a car as i tried to act casual in the tennis court. i walked by the man as he begen searching the parking lot and my friend caught up with me. the guy questioned the man in the court then spotted us and started following us. stupid man letting us catch our breath. we dashed on to my lawn and hid in the bushes. two cruisers went by. we were sweating buckets.
moral of the story is, never under-estimate the speed of an old man or the amount of time it takes the cops to reach the scene.
[mood] holding back
[music] in flames - dialogue with the stars
it was rehab. it was me rebuilding my life. it was me rebuilding my independence. it was a single day without seeing him. i made sure i didn't go out to "accidentally" bump in to him. the next day, i took a chance and walked to the movie store and back with my friend. a few more feet and i would've been home free. i would have made two days, when out of the bushes--(i wish i could say it was a wolf, a rabid dog, any sort of wild animal)--he came out walking. my ears grew hot as my head muted the words of my friend beside me. my head was aimed down at the plastic bags swinging in to my knees but my eyes were locked on him. i need a lot longer than a day.
it keeps running through my head. i'm trying to remember when i stopped hanging out with him. then i'll know where i went wrong. dammit. just knowing that we could be friends right now. maybe more? wishful thinking.
i want someone to tell me how impossible this dream is. i want someone to wake me up. then i want someone to slap me and remind me i can't have everything i want.
especially this.
anyways, tim horton's called me back. not the actual person. i have my very first job interview this tuesday at 4:30. or was it 4? it's sickening how long i spent debating whether or not i should write down the time. i need this job.
[mood] lost
[music] the juliana theory - august in bethany
she told me he's different. he's not like the other boys. it's perfect because i'm not like the other girls.
to meet someone like him and realize there's something in the way he makes me feel just from a simple hello takes a lot of bad experiences from the past. i've had my share. why can't this be the one good experience that lasts a lifetime?
i remember when it started. i always caught his familiar face roaming the halls. it wasn't until second term when i would realize that he was the boy who lived down the street from me for 16 years. the boy i used to play with on the driveway. the boy who would steal my heart.
for years, he had been a dusty memory in my head. the kid i passed each morning on the way to school was him. the friends who sat on the street curb were his. the pleasure of getting stuck in summer school and meeting him all over again was all mine.
of course, that's all it was. a brief surfacing of memories to ensure that we weren't strangers anymore. the same memories that reminded me we weren't friends anymore, either.
from then, i sat outside and waited for his daily passing, only to pretend i never saw him. from the corners of my eyes i would see that he wasn't looking my way. i don't think he was pretending. night made it easy to hide. seeing him out late at night made my heart pound. i was afraid it would give myself away.
i learned the trick to dreaming about whatever you want. he's in my dreams now. strange ones that lead me to believe there's a chance. just like i said about the way he says hey. now i need to learn the trick to stop dreaming. until then, i'm struggling to stay awake.
i always wished for someone who would make me happy just at their sight. someone i would want to be with for the rest of my life. what i forgot to wish for was someone who would feel the same way about me.
[mood] out of it
[music] the ataris - your girlfriend sucks
why do i bother going to the mall? i see people i'd rather not see, i don't make any purchases, in fact, i loaft around mindlessly just like i would on the street. i don't think i'll be going back for a while. at the risk of sounding like a stalker, i can see everything i want in the comfort of my own home.
i went for a walk earlier this evening and, in all honesty, i expected to see him. a short trip to the corner store had me headed right back home. kids in the park, soccer teams were practicing, and people were walking their dogs. it seemed as if the whole neighborhood was out except him. i was almost home and the thought of him bringing up my day had just about left my mind when there he was. just past the dirt patch that always got me worrying about what to say if i caught him falling. we said hey as we passed each other. i wanted to start a casual convorsation but, of course, i freaked. there's something about the way he greets me. i like it because it makes me feel like i have a chance.
i didn't know what the hell they were were blaming me for. nothing new. all these talks do is prove how little we know each other.
praise night was yesterday. i wasn't there. instead i was out learning how to play grass. it's a card game to see who can sell the most weed. what a crooked game. you can steal your neighbor's pot, put the heat on people, or close the market on them. people either became negotiators or greedy. i was greedy.
after that, we went and blazed the real stuff. it was good to get away for a while. in a way, i'm happy i was with all of them yesterday. but if i wasn't, maybe i'd be happy today.
anyways, i was allowed out in the evening and that's when i saw him at hawthorn. he and his friends were blazing on the playground. he's just full of surprises. i love it.
[mood] frustrated
[music] the starting line - decisions, decisions
note: these first two posts were taken from my other blog, explaining the double posting. this post was written on saturday, august 16, 2003.
i finally have this damn journal set up. livejournal can eat me. stupid invite code.
so i've always been uneasy about the concept of writing my personal thoughts on the net, but then i figured; that's exactly what they are. my personal thoughts. the chances of any of the dim-minded people i know coming across this page is slim to none. unless for some reason my journal would be listed as a result for the search words "make-up", "tits", or "hot celebrities" (well, now there's a reason).
where do i start? its the middle of the day and i'm stranded at home...again. at least now i have something to be productive with. this journal is going to be a big part of my life. maybe. i've just had too many wasted days spent sitting on my lawn, watching the skaters, or trying to plan my escape. i'm still here.
now, let's not have anyone start thinking that all my posts are going to say:
dear diary,
today i did nothing. it was a lot like yesterday.
things do occasionally come up, and every once in a while emotions are stirred. - "sarcasm sucks on paper."
anyways, i'm not about writing pointless messages. those are just...pointless. these are my chronicles. my misadventures, if you will. by the way, no one can say 'misadventures' like me.
16 years and i finally decide my life is worth jotting down.
len @